Saturday, May 20, 2017

Mourning the loss of a pet and new beginnings

“He held her and rocked her, believing, rightly or wrongly, that Ellie wept for the very intractability of death, its imperviousness to argument or to a little girl’s tears; that she wept over its cruel unpredictability; and that she wept because of the human being’s wonderful, deadly ability to translate symbols into conclusions that were either fine and noble or blackly terrifying. If all those animals had died and been buried, then Church could die
(any time!)
and be buried; and if that could happen to Church, it could happen to her mother, her father, her baby brother. To herself. Death was a vague idea; the Pet Sematary was real. In the texture of those rude markers were truths which even a child’s hands could feel.”
― Stephen King,
Pet Sematary

Being a goth blog, I think it is quite appropriate to write about death without worrying about my readers becoming squeamish over the subject! As most of you have read on this blog, last December, my beloved cat Pippin passed away. It was a week before Christmas and it broke our hearts. Obviously, my six year old took it very hard. It was hard to tell Philip the bad news the next morning (he passed away at night), especially since I was up most of the night myself in tears. I still remember how he cried on my shoulder and how much it hurt me that I had to be the one to break his heart. I had to be stoic but inside, I was screaming. I knew he needed me to be strong because this is the first time where Philip was old enough to comprehend the concept of death. When he was a toddler, our other cats passed away. It was sad and tragic but he didn't quite understand. This time, he did but he wanted me to bring Pippin back and I had to explain, that I cannot do such a thing. It was hard to watch him understand the finality of it all and all I can do is help him through it as best I could while I too was in shock and disbelief.

In true Pippin fashion, he passed away a week before Christmas. Imagine how devastating it would be for us if he passed on during Christmas? Again, in true Pippin fashion, he waited for me to leave to go to my office party. He knew that watching him die would be too much for me to bear. He passed on quietly on my chair.

I remember allowing my son watch me grieve. I thought it was important for him to see me cry and to allow him to comfort me. I think Pippin would have wanted me to use his death as a teaching tool so I did. I took it as an opportunity to let Philip do the comforting and I thought since I am his mother and always the strong one, it was important for him to see me vulnerable. That he wasn't the only one affected by the cat being gone. It was nice being comforted but I bet it made him feel good to be able to make me feel better. I wanted to also teach him that it was NORMAL to be in mourning because in today's world, the concept of sadness, loss, and grief is often swept under the rug. It is not a dirty secret! Mourning is healthy. In a way, mourning our cat brought us closer together because I remember how we would often wipe away our own tears in order to console the other.

I remember being contacted by the school for his behavior. He started acting up in class. It was hard to tell a grieving child that while he is hurting inside over a loss of a pet is OK, it is not acceptable to do certain things.

I would often listen to his Pippin stories and smile at them. That cat was with me for a long time. Philip knew him all his life and I realized that he wasn't only important to me, he was to everyone else in my family. It made me happy  to realize that he didn't just touch my life in a positive way but he touched others as well. In fact, many family members and friends shared their favourite Pippin stories with me!

I encouraged Philip to talk about this at school. He came home and told me that his best friend was able to offer him some comfort. Apparently, his best friend's bird died and he understood how Philip felt. That was important to me because he was learning to reach out to his peers. I knew that his friends are important to him and it was reassuring that he was getting comfort from his best friend.

The winter came and went. By spring, the pain subsided and I was able to share some of my Pippin stories with Philip without completely breaking down. I told him what the cat was like as a kitten (this was before Philip was even thought of) and showed him some old photos. It was the first time we were able to talk about the cat without choking up. Philip admitted that he was still sad over Pippin dying and I took it as a great teaching tool as a way to show him what death really is. I told him that the cat was still alive in our memories. We can look back at all the good times we had with him and smile. It is OK to be sad sometimes and miss him but knowing what the type of friend Pippin was, he wouldn't want us to be sad about him all the time. He would want us to remember him and be grateful for all the good times he gave us. He would want us to be happy because all his life, he did everything to make us feel that way.  It doesn't mean that someone, (pets included) is gone that they are truly gone. You cannot erase that person completely, especially when they meant so much to you. They can still be alive in our memories.

Many people don't get grief. They don't get that when someone important to you dies, you can't just pick up the pieces and get on with your life. You hold onto something they gave you. I don't want to live in a world where we pretend to be happy all the time because they world isn't like that. Nothing is black and white. I think it is important to talk about death, to talk about the happy memories because that is where the healing begins. I think it is healthy to remember people (and pets!) that helped shaped our lives. I think it is healthy to cry and miss that person but most importantly, it is important that to remember the good times and not just the act of dying. The Death Tarot card symbolizes re-birth. All good things must come to an end but with everything ending, there are new beginnings. Seeing that Philip accepted that the cat would want us to be happy and no longer feels ashamed with sharing memories of him, I felt like it was appropriate to have a new beginning in our family. We adopted our dog, Storm. No, she will never take Pippin's place but she is around to give us new memories while we honor Pippin's. She has brought so much happiness in this short time. It is OK to look back but it is also important to look at the days ahead. Pippin would have wanted it that way.

“May be she’ll learn something about what death really is, which is where the pain stops and the good memories begin. Not the end of life but the end of pain.”
― Stephen King,
Pet Sematary

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Rumours of a Forever Knight movie

Growing up in the nineties, I would sometimes watch  a Canadian TV show called Forever Knight. The premise of the TV show was about an 800 year old vampire who was trying to redeem himself by working the night shift in Toronto, Ontario as a homicide detective.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear rumblings of a movie based off of this TV show!

Cos-player, Zack Taylor is rumoured to star as the main character, Nick Knight.


It is nice to see the return of REAL vampires in pop culture and the sparkly variety are being forgotten.

And for those curious, here is the Youtube opening for the TV show and yes, I have also seen full episodes available to watch!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

A storm and a burnt marshmallow

Sometime ago, the husband and I made a very personal decision to not have any more children. I was OK with that because I have my hands full with Philip but part of me was also saddened by it. I felt like I missed out a lot because I didn't have a natural birth and I was unable to breastfeed. Another reason for this difficult choice was the fact that it was a miracle that my son as well as myself survived child birth and I don't want to risk putting my health, as well as any future child's health in jeopardy. It was a heart wrenching decision to make but today, I am content with having one child.

Last December, my cat Pippin died. He was my best friend and it hit me hard. Even today, I don't want another cat because I feel that it will only take Pippin's place. I am just not ready.

I wanted a dog for a very long time and even made adopting one part of my personal goals this year. I did this because I felt like it was time. My son is old enough where he wouldn't mishandle a fragile puppy. I want to take care of something and while I may not have a human baby to take care of, I can at least take care of the furry kind instead. This will be my new "baby"

The week before I decided to adopt, I was a bundle of nerves. What if the dog isn't trained? Do I crate train? What if the dog doesn't like the crate and I bought one for nothing? What do I need to buy? I wanted to get everything settled before I brought the dog home. I read a lot about puppy training and got so excited.

So without further Storm!

**Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts this year! I think I should have named her Dobby, of well too late! **

*We named her Storm due to her grey and white colour . She is a purebred Chihuahua. and a very sweet, smart Pup*

She is only 2 months old and it is a new adventure for us. Especially for my husband. You see, I call Jay a Stick In The Mud. The perfect way to describe him is to compare him to a burnt marshmallow. In fact, this is one of the many reasons why I fell for him. He can have a rough exterior but deep down inside, he is all gooey and a big mush. Jay is NOT a dog person. In fact, when I first met him in high school, I had a German shepherd/husky mix. We disliked each other and whenever I would run into him while walking my dog (our folks live in walking distance from each other) I would purposely go near him, just to watch him squirm and cross the street!  Obviously, a smaller breed is preferable for us.

Jay made it adamantly clear that if we were to get a dog, it would be mine and Philip's. He would make sure it had food and water but he wouldn't feel any affection for it because he hates dogs. I smiled and knew deep down, there was a very strong possibility that he would change his mind.

I thought it would take several days, maybe weeks before Jay got attached. It took only 2 hours. You see, we kept Storm downstairs as it is safer for her and it gives the cat, Merry time to adjust since she can stay upstairs. The first night for a new puppy who has recently been taken away from her parents and siblings can be very daunting. She cried and whined. Jay was the one who went down there, after exclaiming that he couldn't believe that he got attached to MY fucking dog no less! He slept on the couch with the dog curled up on his chest.

Life is good and I am looking forward to training her. The three of us are super happy. The cat on the other hand, is unsure but she is used to other animals. We will give her time and plenty of affection too. She too will come around. One burnt marshmallow at a time!

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wish list purchase

Earlier this year, I wrote my wishlist and here I am with an update! Yahoo! While, I am still waiting to lose a couple of more pounds before I buy clothes, I decided to purchase this little item....drum roll.....................

Insert Link from The Legend Of Zelda's  "get item sound" here:
(and yes, I went and geeked out by referencing videogames on a goth blog)

I wanted a coffin bag since I was about 16 years old. It is about time I got one!

This is my "haha! I got my coffin bag look...hmmpf!! look". The little batty hand sanitizer holder that you see dangling here sends his regards. Let's call him squirt.     
.... and because it is finally warm enough to wear my beloved kick ass coat, I should just show off the back lacing corset here.

For the record, this coat used to never zip up on me. Thanks to my weight loss goals, it zips perfectly! On the other hand, I wish the corset was tighter but I am happy that I can finally zip this sucker up so one step at a time, right?

 What I like most about this bag (which is by Dysfunctional Doll for those interested and no this is not a sponsored post, I am just happy I got a cool bag!) is it's versatility. I can wear it as a backpack but I also got a spare strap to wear it as a regular purse. It is very cute and I am over the moon! Squee! So happy!

Syl's 2017 wishlist:
-Buy a pair of Winklepickers
-Buy a coffin purse/backpack
 Buy more dresses
-Buy a bikini

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Ultra Rare Pop Figure

At my local mall, there is a Hello Kitty store that sells all sorts of items that range from animé merchandise, to stuffed animals to Funko Pop figures. My family and I obviously frequent this retailer quite often!

The other day, as I ventured into that store, the girl working there was opening a new shipment of Pop Figures and some of them were from the movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas. They received Jack and Nightshade Sally (I already own) but I noticed that they also received a special edition "Pumpkin King" one. I was told that figures like these are sold exclusively to small retailers and you will never find them at a big name store. They are also pretty rare. This was double the cost of a normal Pop figure but I had to bring him home with me! He is just too cute and is keeping the others company!
Pumpkin King!!!!

Sunday, April 16, 2017

How to calm a nervous cat and other things

I have not been posting as much as I like but I have not really been inspired to write about anything. I still have not really bought any new clothes to show off (whole weight loss thing and self imposed shopping ban) but I am awaiting for some new accessories to arrive so there should be something soon. I have not really been inspired to post anything goth related either. If I did, I would just be regurgitating what others (myself included) have said. Health wise, I am doing much better. I was looking forward to this weekend as it is Easter. Unlike last year, I will not be hosting Easter dinner and do not plan to do anything with my family (aside from my mom's taxes, good times) I just took it easy and enjoyed the milder temperatures outdoors.

All week, we noticed that our cat Merry was hiding a lot. We noticed her bowls were being emptied and we had to refill her water dish. I am reassured that she is eating and drinking but she is skittish. She has always been a skittish cat but she was acting more nervous than usual. We finally connected the dots as to why she was acting this way: Last weekend, we purchased a new bed for Philip. Incidentally, have I told you how much I hate Ikea? The crowds of people, the long lineups, getting a huge ass heavy box in and out of a car in the rain? Not to mention a bored kid who drove me up the wall?

 This is how we got the box in the car. Good thing we have two cars!!!

When we FINALLY brought the box home, Jay takes it out of the car but the box got wet from the rain... part of the items fell out in our driveway! Luckily nothing got damaged and we were able to retrieve all the pieces. Anyways, there is a point to all this and as to why Merry was upset. You see, the cat sleeps with Philip and the new bed obviously didn't sit well with her. I finally found Merry from her hiding place, picked her up (odd she hates being picked up but she let me carry her this time) and I put her on Philip's bed. He was sound asleep and didn't notice. I pet the cat to reassure her that it was OK. It was her bed too and she didn't need to stop sleeping with him at night. She settled down, all curled up in a little ball, next to Philip. I checked on her later and she wasn't there but that's ok. Philip moves around a lot in his sleep and probably kicked her off the bed! She seems much better today. Jay found a play list on Youtube that is supposed to calm cats. The last few times we played it, it worked! I know it sounds silly but cats are fickle creatures.The play list depressed the fuck out of me and I had to get Jay to turn it off but Merry ventured out of her hiding place and was sociable. I think we will put this on when we leave! We are planning on adopting a dog in the near future. Another change for the kitty so this play list is going to come in handy!

Merry curled up in a ball on her favourite chair

I have been feeling a little down. My cat Pippin passed on in December and we miss him very much. I cannot get another cat as it is too soon for me. I think a dog, something that I can walk and take with me to places will do me a world of good. Merry is more Philip's cat and I need a pet of my own. Perhaps one day, I will get another cat but for the time being, I cannot replace Pippin.

The calming cat video is below but  here is the link:

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Weight loss update and a thank you

I discovered recently that I lost 30 pounds. This was accomplished by lots of hard work and tears. It is not an easy journey but it is worthwhile. There are times I would get frustrated because I am not a patient person and the scale wasn't moving fast enough for my liking.  I like to think that not only my accomplishment was a result of my hard work, it was thanks to some of you. Many readers like yourselves (as well as people I know in real life) have offered me kind words and commented on how great I look. As a result, so many people were encouraged to start their own lifestyle change and are taking better care of themselves. This motivates me to keep exercising and eating healthier because I don't want to let anyone down!

 Once I reach my ideal weight (remember, I am being followed by a doctor, I still have some more pounds to lose) I don't think I will ever go back to my bad habits. My father passed away when I was still quite young due to some poor lifestyle decisions he made. By the way I was going, I could have ended up the same way and I want to live a long time for my son. I experienced such loss and tragedy at a young age, I should know better!

As much as I tried to embrace my body and be positive about it, I didn't find myself to be attractive. I really wish I could see through the eyes of those who tell me that I am beautiful because for a long time, I was never able to see myself that way. By working out and eating healthy, I am learning to love and appreciate my body more. In fact, this motivated me to get help with my chronic migraines. I am on a preventive and they are much less frequent than they used to be. I have gotten my life back in so many ways. I never expected such positive results!

Photo on the left taken July 2016 (168 pounds), photo on the right taken April 2017(138 pounds) - I am almost at my BMI!

Sunday, April 2, 2017

How to not lose yourself in motherhood

In my last post, I wrote about my personal experiences about losing myself in motherhood. Today, I would like to give some examples on how you can rediscover your identity too. This worked for me and helped me get back into goth. Here are some serious questions I asked myself and some things I did:

What are YOUR interests?
This was the first question I asked myself. What do I like? What did I like before I had a baby? I made a list. One of the first thing I put on that list was music, reading, writing, art,taking long walks, and video games. I then made a list of my favourite bands. For me, I laughed because I realized that the majority of my favourite bands were from my Goth days! Which leads to...

Find time to pursue these interests
I also realized that I have not made much time to pursue my personal interests and made it a point to find some time each day for this.  I know it can be hard, especially when you are busy, or in my case, sleep deprived from having a baby but I managed. Even if it meant 15 minutes a day! One of the things I did, whenever we had nice weather, I would put my son in a stroller, put on my headphones and go for a long walk. My little one enjoyed all the new sights (and often fell asleep in his stroller) and I got to listen to my music! I would sometimes walk to the local mall and meet a friend at Starbucks for coffee. It got me out of the house, I was able to have an adult conversation with someone (who doesn't have kids so it was nice to talk about other things) AND I got coffee AND  I got to listen to Bauhaus too! Win! Win!

An old pic of us at the cemetery. Posted with the bat's permission, of course!

Time away
One of the best things I could ever do for myself is leave my kid with my husband so I can go out. Sometimes this means doing groceries in peace, sometimes it means seeing a friend, or going swimming alone or going to a club. Having a kid around me constantly takes a lot of energy. It is nice to be by myself, alone in my thoughts without someone interrupting me 50000 times! I felt guilty at first but when I realized how much better I was when I came back from these excursions, the guilt went away.

What can I do now to make me happier?
Sometimes, it is something simple like changing hair color. Sometimes you may want to make a career change. I noticed for myself personally, I am a people pleaser. I am very concerned over the wellbeing of those closest to me that I sometimes forego my own wellbeing. It is very important to realize in the moment that yes, take that 5 minutes out to put on makeup or do your hair or do something that makes you happy. So I decided, despite not being a morning person, let the husband watch the kid while I did my hair and makeup. Listening to music is easy. I can blare it in my car.

 What are my goals?
Some of them can be losing that pregnancy weight, sometimes it is buying those pair of boots we want. I made some goals for this year, which I have posted over here. Some of them are items I want to purchase, some of them are things I want to do for myself.

How can the world benefit from these goals?
I like to think on a global scale. I don't mean to sound egotistical or anything. I like to give back. For me doing this was expressing myself through writing. I think having some form of a creative outlet is important. For me, blogging helped. I felt like there were many parents who were in my shoes and I felt like it was important at that time to say "hey, you can be goth and have kids too, its ok."

In fact, I came up with the name "Little Corp Goth Girl" because at that time, I toned down a lot more in my work clothes (that ship has sailed since I have been at the same place for several years now) and I have a very young-at-heart personality. Hence the Little Girl in my title. In addition, in real life, I am pretty short so it was a perfect play on words that not only suits my personality, it suited my blogs purpose. Sometimes, I think of changing the name but I got attached to it.

Another thing that some of my blog posts (as well as those around me that I see in real life) motivated people to lose weight. So many people have commented on how great I look now that I have lost weight that I didn't wait to give them advice. I told them what I did, willingly. In fact, a lot of people are apparently inspired by this and it is nice to know that I am encouraging people to eat better and make some positive lifestyle changes for themselves. I never expected these results but it is nice nonetheless to have inspired people and to have received so much positive feedback. Thank you!

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Losing oneself in motherhood

I have seen it happen to many parents I know. They were cool people but then they had a kid. It seems like their whole personality turned into becoming a mom. Don't get me wrong, motherhood is one of the best things that could ever happen to me but it is very easy to get lost in it. I know this from personal experience.

You see, I started to lose myself after my wedding. My marriage didn't start off on good footing.To make a long story short, my husband decided to estrange himself from most of his family. I was hit with the baby bug before I even met my husband and I wanted to start trying right away. I waited a little more after my wedding because I stopped smoking and wanted to get my shit in order. In my mind, getting my shit in order also meant completely changing who I was because I wanted to be a mom. I ditched all my goth clothes because I stupidly felt like I needed to grow up. I had to be a mom now and that meant not dressing cool anymore. It meant it was my time to settle down. I had to fit into this little mold and be, well normal.

I had trouble conceiving and my pregnancy for my son was a difficult one. I had this huge ass chip on my shoulder because I gave up all the things I loved. I became a shell of who I was because I wanted to get pregnant and I couldn't! I almost lost my son (as well as my own life) in child birth.  A couple of months after he was born, my son had to have surgery for Pyloric Stenosis. I was going through post postpartum depression through all this too. Somehow, I survived.To this day, I have no idea how I kept my sanity but I did!

With all this in mind, you can imagine why and how I completely lost myself into motherhood. I felt like a loser mom and wanted to do everything right. Up until then, although this was never the case, I really felt like I failed as a mother. I am sure most women have their stories too. Maybe it is something similar to mine or maybe it's not. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to be a great mom its crazy. We do it because we love our kids or maybe some of us do it because we had shitty mothers and don't want to make the same mistakes twice?

 Before and after shots. Funny that I look younger in the after shot, eh?

When I lost myself, I never cared much about fashion.I bought what was on sale. I stopped colouring my hair. I stopped doing anything for myself! My whole life was wrapped around my baby. I hung out with other moms and joined all these on-line Mommy groups. The very women I used to spend my life rolling my eyes at and avoiding like the plague became my group of friends. It was all so fake.

I also hated the snarkiness, the back-stabbing and the whole sancti-mommy bullshit behind it all. You were judged for the things you did or didn't do. Everyone bragged about how great their kids were and it became a competition on whose kid would do this or that before the other kid. It was like these babies milestones weren't their own but reflected on the mother's parenting style. It wasn't about the kid, it was about the mom. It was very narcissistic. I didn't fit in at all. I didn't like the music they listened to, I didn't play their stupid mommy wars, and I didn't want to dress like they did.

I remember when my kid started daycare. Where I am from, we get a year off for maternity leave so my son was almost a year old when I went back to work. It was around this time that  I started to let go of all the crazy things I did.  I stopped talking to those other moms and realized that a lot of my coworkers were parents themselves. A lot of them have older kids. I reached out to them for advice and it was less judgmental and more...well...real. I slowly got my head out of my ass and I started to change. I realized that there was more to me than just being a mom. Yes, I have an adorable little boy but what about me? Aside from motherhood, what defines me? Sometimes being a parent means that you should find time for you. I started wondering on what exactly made me unique. What did I enjoy doing besides taking care of a young child? My child's milestones, while they deserved to be celebrated, should be celebrated for my child, not because I am some wonderful super mom.  I am not trying to imply that I neglect my kid in anyway or to imply that he is unimportant.. He always comes first but I realized that it was OK for me to go out by myself, it was OK for me to take a break and to remember who that crazy girl I was before I even thought about conceiving.

The way I see it, one day, this cute little baby is going to grow up, have a life of his/her own then what are you going to do? It is important to have your own personal interests. It makes you less boring to your kids. My husband plays D&D twice a month. He shows our son how to play too. I took him to the Goth picnic last summer, we visit cemeteries together and my kid asks for certain bands to listen to while I drive him to school. His friends tell me that I am a cool mom because I dress cool and like videogames! You can be a mom and have outside interests too and even incorporate them into your family life. The point of all this is to please don't make the same mistake I did. Don't be THAT mom. Trust me. I love being a mom but I also love being Sylvie too.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Inspirational sites and why I dislike how-to guides

I remember when I came back to goth and would scour the Internet for inspiration. I came across many "How To Guides' or many lists on "what every goth should have in their wardrobe" sort of articles and videos. I remember remarking on the sheer volume alone of these posts and wondered why so many people even bother publishing such content. This is a personal preference but wouldn't a how to guide or even educating people on how to build a basic goth wardrobe kinda counterproductive? Isn't the point of goth to be individuals and not some carbon copy of someone else's point of view? Isn't it illogical to point out that a good starting point for any goth wardrobe is black jeans, a t-shirt, and boots? I mean... well...yeah...DUH!

I get it to a certain extent. This can come in handy for any new comer. For an Elder Goth like me, whom I like to think I have a pretty good knowledge on the subculture and knows how to dress goth, well, I used some of the advice for inspiration. I didn't bother so much with the how to guides, mind you but I love looking at people's outfits. I still do to this day. I admit, I even love clothing hauls on Youtube because I like seeing shit other people got! I like seeing how other's mix-match their clothes, what accessories they use and how. Sometimes, I get inspired to do my own thing. Sometimes, I may think something looks cool but decide it isn't for me. I never used these as means to mirror what these people were wearing, I just used it for my OWN ideas. There are many youtubers or bloggers that I simply ADORE but I wouldn't want to dress like they do. That's just me.

There are a few downsides to these guides/outfit posts unfortunately:

Some of us are afraid that looking goth is the only part of being goth. I admit, sometimes, I am afraid of this happening too but I think if people are genuinely interested in something, it tends to stick around. Or if they are like me it goes away but comes back! For me personally, when I was a teenager, I was labeled a Goth without knowing exactly what a Goth was. I got curious and decided to participate in the subculture for the hell of it and I got hooked!

It can be over-done. How many how to guides and wardrobe essential articles do we need? How many more subsets do we need? (Nu-Goth, Pastel Goth, etc.) No wonder some of us are afraid that goth is becoming simply a fashion without anything else to supplement it. In my opinion, if it means anything, it kinda takes away from the fun experimental years. You know, like some of us had a Mall Goth phase? I used to do my makeup like The Crow and even used Halloween makeup! I laugh at it now and to be honest, I have some pretty fond memories, embarrassing, yes, but they are fond memories nonetheless. In fact, I sometimes even regret throwing away the old photographs! I like to think that by experimenting with clothes, I learned about what worked for me and what didn't. Back when I was younger, I went out to clubs and saw what other people were wearing. I got my inspiration from there - which leads to, outfit posts can be a great source for those who are not as fortunate as I was to grow up in the city!

When I came back to goth in my early thirties, I made a few embarrassing mistakes. What looked good on my twenty year old self (before baby weight no less) did not necessarily look good in my thirty year old post baby body. I also work in an office. I want people to take me seriously. It is kinda hard for people to do so when I look like a 16 year old! I wanted something office friendly but showed my Goth side. I don't work in a conservative environment and the first blog that really spoke to me was Meagan's, from Coffin Kitsch. She helped me in those early years because a lot of her clothing is so beautiful and elegant. She reflects a lot on the style I wanted to portray at that time. She was a lifesaver and a huge inspiration for me. I was used to super toned down corporate (black dress pants, nice top, pointy boots was my go to look) and now I had a chance to up it a little. Meagan's blog helped me "up" it without risking any workplace infractions. Don't get me wrong, there were other corp goth blogs around at that time but personally, while they were inspirational, I found them too conservative for my office environment.

I think the Internet can be a good thing - to a certain point. As much as I make fun of Health, Pastel, Nu Goth, I think perhaps, I shouldn't be so closed minded about these styles and just take a peek at what they are wearing. Perhaps I can do something fun and creative on my own by taking their inspiration?

I am by no means trying to imply that Goth is simply a style. We have a very rich heritage that I whole heatedly embrace. I love the music, I love visiting cemeteries and I love to read. I think it is equally important to participate in the movement as well as to dress the part - something, thanks to my chronic migraines, I have not had the chance to do much of in the past. I am hopeful this will soon change!

I guess what I am trying to say, just like when I came back to Goth in my early thirties, I will soon be in the process of rebuilding my wardrobe all thanks to my weight loss goals! Luckily for me, many items can be altered to fit my new body size but I do plan on buying AND DIYing some new items too. Some of the fashion sites (re: nu-goth) that I often scoffed at are inspiring me to push myself a little further and to be more creative with my own personal style. Perhaps I can find some inspiration there? I think we should be using these as inspiration rather the be-all end-all Uber Goth look and do what everyone else is doing. Thanks but no thanks, I don't need anymore advice on how to create a fishnet shirt out of an old pair of tights and I don't want Siouxsie makeup either. Show me YOUR style! What makes YOU goth?

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Do you want to build a snowman?

Yes, I just went there and quoted Frozen in my title. I used to love that movie and now I hate it with a passion. My kid decided at one point that it was his most favorite movie and we watched it ALL THE TIME. Sometimes, twice in a row and more if we would have let him! If I hear Let It Go, I am going to scream. In fact, I prefer this version, instead:

If you watched this parody, you would know that it's about a student that is tired of studying for finals! Instead of "Let It Go" Elsa is singing "Fuck It All" and I highly recommend you give the video a go! I am not a student but Philip is in grade one and is already being tested, each week. There are times I feel like this for him, especially when we have to study together.

Humor aside, this is not going to be a goth sort of post but more of a really happy update. In my last post , I expressed my frustrations with my migraines and how I totally flipped out in the Doctor's office at my local walk-in clinic. As a result, I was put on a preventative, an anti-depressant for my migraines.Well, my prescription was for a couple of days as the doctor gave me a small dose, I might have to get something stronger or stay on the small dose, it all depends on my body. These pills can hit you like a tonne of bricks and a little over a week later, it is only now where I am able to handle them! I had to go back to the clinic and requested that they do NOT increase my dosage but to renew my prescription because they appear to be working. Although, she was not the same doctor that originally prescribed me the anti depressants (she wasn't on duty), the current doctor remembered me because I go there all the time! Despite having to go through my whole spiel all over again (I conveniently left out the no drinking coffee suggestion from the previous doctor) and she was very sympathetic. I expressed my concerns that (a) I did not have a family doctor but I am on a waiting list, (b) I knew about how taking an anti depressant all along would help but originally, I didn't feel comfortable taking that route as I wanted to explore other treatments beforehand (logging food, physio, chiropractor, etc) but they did not help. Lastly,  I felt like I had to go into the clinic begging for drugs and this really bothered me because I am so frustrated with being in this situation. These migraines are really affecting my quality of life and that I get over 15 of them a month. She not only reassured me that she never got the impression that I was begging for drugs, she happily refilled my prescription, she gave me her blessing AND she took me as one of her patients. I see her in May for an actual appointment. I was so happy, I hugged her! I finally have a family doctor out of all this mess!

Adding a cute bat photo, there goth points!

Today was a very mild day. We were hit by a huge ass snowstorm earlier this week and got dumped on by 40 cm of snow. Schools never shut down here and I had to take a day off work last Wednesday because Philip had a snow day! Normally, these huge changes in weather causes a migraine and guess what? NO MIGRAINE. I did get a headache when we were hit by the snowstorm but for the first time ever, Tylenol worked! Normally, I would be on my ass! I did get a migraine on Friday but that was because I caught the flu and throwing up triggered one. Normally, when there is such a huge change in weather, I would get a migraine but today I didn't! Not even a headache!I would have been stuck nursing a migraine and feeling guilty because I wasn't able to play with my kid. Not only did I go to the clinic, I cleaned, I did laundry, and I built a snowman in my backyard with Philip! You should have seen his face, he was so happy!

Afterwards, I did some more chores around the house then went for an hour long walk!

It has been a long time that I was this active and it feels great! Told ya, I was going to force-choke this year into submission!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Goals for 2017 revisited

Earlier in January, I wrote what my personal goals were and I thought I should touch base because there has been some progress! Yipee!

(1) Get a less expensive place. Well after giving notice that we wish to no longer renew our lease, we were able to renegotiate our current lease. This is extremely rare but I guess we are well liked as tenants. Plus, we are permitted to have a dog. I once wrote about some particularly difficult neighbor who lives downstairs. He is moving. All around, this is incentive enough to stay.

 (2) Save Money.  The reduction in rent will allow us to save some funds.

(3) Continue to invest in my health. This is going well. I lost almost 30 pounds! I am eating better and rarely got sick this year.  I had a cold that didn't turn into anything serious and the flu. Considering I just wrote all this down, let's hope I didn't jinx myself and I get sick in a couple of days!
As for migraines, this is where it gets sort of interesting. In my province, there's a shortage of family doctors and considering I do not have any life threatening health problems, I have been on a waiting list for a year. As a result, I have been going to the walk-in clinic for the renewal of my pain meds. Excedrin and Advil don't work for my migraines. 

Despite the significant weight loss, after going to physiotherapy, a chiropractor (made my migraines worse) and massage therapy, as well as logging the food I eat, I realized my triggers were things I could not control. I live in Canada. We get all four seasons here and obviously this causes a change in my barometric pressure. This is a huge trigger for me. I know in a couple of weeks, with spring on its way, I am going to have my ass handed to me with these flipping migraines. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I came home from work in tears because I had a daily migraine for over two weeks. 

I went back to the walk-in clinic as I have a pretty extensive file there and thought it would be the best place for me to go and to be honest, I was a complete basket case in the doctors office! I totally dumped on the poor woman. She asked me if I was depressed and my response was perfect "wouldn't you be depressed if you were in constant pain all the time?"  and I totally had a melt down in her office!It takes a lot for to cry, especially in front of a stranger but I did.

The doctor tried to play devil's advocate and suggest certain foods (IE, coffee and chocolate) could be triggers and how I should avoid them.I totally flipped the fuck out. I am tired of this bullshit. I KNOW what my triggers are! Seriously. I cut down on chocolate and I only drink 1 to 2 cups of coffee a day (sometimes 3). 

Food  doesn't trigger migraines (aside from alcohol but if I stay hydrated, I am usually OK) In fact, coffee actually seems to help me with my migraines. Looking back, I was so strung out by finally letting my guard down, finally accepting how bad my situation is that I was reminded of a Gilmore Girls episode and most probably pulled the same stunt as this the moment she told me to stop drinking coffee:

Yes, I cried and told her that I loved coffee too...oh boy!

Needless to say, she put me on something that could potentially prevent migraines. I am taking an anti depressant. So maybe going ape shit worked in my favour? I know someone who is taking an anti depressant for migraines and she rarely gets them now. I am hoping this works for me. It also apparently helps people with anxiety so I am hoping to hit three birds (migraines, depression AND anxiety) with one stone.

The medication I am on is a very low dose. They are starting me off small because it hits your body hard. I take it at night. It knocks me out and I have a hard time (worse than usual) getting out of bed. It has been a couple of days and I am getting used to them. I go back on the weekend for a stronger prescription. It is sad that I had to resort to becoming a basket case in order to get help (and having my "headaches" taken seriously) but I am thankful that (a) the nice young men in white coats didn't come to take me away and (b) my migraines will be reduced and I can have a "normal" life.

(4) Get some mad DIY skills . I am still working on this. My goal is to lose more weight and DIY some new clothes. I do plan on re-decorating my home so stay tuned!

5) Give myself some credit for my accomplishments. This has been working out for me!

(6) Continue being the best Mom I can be and continue to give myself some down time. Yes, ALL parents deserve a break. Parenting is not for the weak!

(7)Adopt a dog  - I wrote back in January that I wasn't sure the landlady would permit a dog. I got permission!

8) Finally get something published the traditional route. Although I am going about this very slowly, I have something on the back burner.

(9) Invest in better quality makeup. Thanks to my saving money goal, I have only been buying makeup when I run out. I have not needed to replenish anything yet but when I do, I have this in mind!

(10) De-clutter and be more sustainable. Despite not moving, I have so much shit I want to get rid of! So far, my little one donated a huge garbage bag full of toys to charity! The added bonus, he felt good being able to give away toys he no longer plays with to children who don't have many things. It is amazing the amount of junk we keep. 3 huge bags have went into the recycling. These unfortunately couldn't be donated. A lot of it was old art projects from daycare (I kept most of them) and a lot of it was old children's books that had pages missing. Got to love the toddler years, eh? I felt like recycling them isn't as bad as filling up a landfill somewhere! As a result, I only managed to throw out one big garbage bag. In my original post from last January, I wrote that I wanted to continue being sustainable  and I am so happy I am able to reach this goal. 

And because I had fun finding silly memes to entertain you's another one for good measure. I am going to get off the internet now..I promise!

What are your goals?

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Star Trek, British Castles and hibernation...oh my!

I apologize for my lack of posting. Nothing has been really going on in my neck of the woods that have been blog worthy. I have not purchased any new clothes or accessories (self imposed shopping ban) because I am still focusing on my weight loss. This winter has been a cold one with lots of snow. I have remained indoors and only ventured out when needed. There were days that I didn't even go swimming because despite making sure my hair is completely dry, I am so paranoid of catching some lurgy.

What have I been doing? Well I have been staying indoors as much as possible! I play video games (Hearthstone and WOW) as well as watching Netflix on my couch with my blankets.

I have been watching Star Trek! So far, I have seen all the originals (Kirk and Spock!) and am almost finished with The Next Generation (Wesley Crusher, Captain Picard, and Riker!) I remember watching some of these episodes on TV with my dad. I also remember when I first moved out and was able to afford cable. Every Saturday morning I would watch the Original Star Trek on the Space channel.

Another cool documentary on Netflix I have enjoyed recently is called "Secrets Of The Great British Castles."  The second season just aired here in Canada and I devoured all the episodes! The documentary is hosted by a historian called Dan Jones and you learn all about the grisly history behind some of Britains castles!What I like about this documentary is the host. Seriously, he is not your stereotypical stuffy historian that has patches on his elbows! This dude is tattooed and genuinely seems to be really passionate about history! He doesn't drone on and on in a monotone voice either. He won't put you to sleep! In fact, the host even gets to try on medieval armor and try out medieval weaponry. How cool is that? If you are from across the pond like me and have a thing for British accents, well that is just an added bonus too!You don't need to be a history buff to enjoy this and I highly recommend it!

To conclude my post, I would like to point out that I never fully realized exactly how much of a huge nerd I was until I started writing this post.... but meh. Star Trek, Medieval history and British accents, what more could this girl ask for?

Live long and prosper my friends!

Friday, March 3, 2017

Invisible illnesses

I am going to be a little personal here as I would like to reiterate on my last post about aging.

In a lot of ways, yes, I am getting in touch with my youth but in a lot of other ways, I am grateful for some of the more harrowing experiences I had as a child as they shaped me into the adult I am today. Some of my experiences with my parents helped shape the mother I am today with my son. You see, I come from the generation where my parents shrugged off mental illness. It wasn't discussed because you "didn't want to get thrown in the looney bin" and I want to hopefully encourage others to have a discussion with their children. For me, I was probably around the same age as my son (school-aged) and wasn't a teen before I started displaying symptoms of having anxiety.

According to my parents, depression and anxiety were "just a phase" or I was being a "typical teenager" and I would "grow out of it" I am sure for many young goths, these terms are the bane of our existence. I know it was for me! Here I am, in my late thirties, I still have these issues and am I am still goth. Sorry mom and dad, it wasn't just a phase, after all! I don't want to come across as I am bashing my folks online, I do realize today that my folks did the best they could BUT I personally refuse to put my head in the sand about this when it comes to my child. I simply want to write about the importance of being able to communicate with your children about their emotional well being. I grew up in a household where my father thought a cup of tea would solve everything and my mom shrugged it off. Looking back, I realized that perhaps things could have been different if someone in my life told me they understood or that they had some empathy towards me. I would also like to point out, as contradictory as this may sound, I personally have a hard time respecting anyone who uses their situation as a crutch to justify bad behavior. I was guilty of this. It sucks having any issues but it doesn't mean that it gives anyone the right to make excuses for being an ass. I can be the most sympathetic, understanding person on this planet BUT I have a hard time helping people who try not to help themselves. I know when under the knife so to speak, it is hard to want to get help for yourself when you feel like shit but it IS doable. As a parent, I also wish to teach my kid that yes, you can feel whatever you want but it is how you behave that is important. Sometimes, one must take responsibility.

As a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Over the years, I learned the hard way to deal with my ailments without any desire to have a pity party around me. I am very fortunate to not require medication (although I am very open to the possibility should I ever require it) for my situation. I learned how to cope with it

Being a parent enabled me to be more self-aware of MY emotional well being, after all, how am I to care for someone dependent on me if I were to be a basket case? There are times I don't want to get out of bed and I have a hard time managing my anxiety but I remember my son and it helps me. I have a pretty valid reason to really be proactive with this but I do realize that I am lucky.

Now that I am a parent myself, I am paranoid that my child may have anxiety. Remember, I was roughly his age when there were warning signs with me. I have seen some red flags (I could be wrong) but out of respect for Philip, I do not wish to go into details or specifics. I would much rather feel stupid over having an irrational fear of my kid's mental well being than him going down the same road I did when I was younger.

The point of this post is to stress the importance of being able to talk to your children. Please don't make the same mistakes my parents made. This is something that might not be a phase or shrugged off. I get it. For someone who has never had a mental illness, it is hard to understand.  I know my parents today regret not listening to me. It broke my father's heart to see me in that depressive state and he blamed himself for it. Start a conversation. It doesn't have to be about anxiety or depression. Ask your kids how they feel and really listen. What I wanted the most when I was younger was to have someone who understood me or at least listen to me and I didn't get that.  I remember this and don't want to repeat the pattern. I made it very clear to my little one that I understood some of it. I also stressed that I may not understand everything as I am not in his head but I made it very clear that I will do my best to try to understand. He has my empathy. His feelings matter, they are important. I may not like how he can react to some of his feelings but I will never judge him for having them. I will correct bad behavior though. I made it very clear that he can come to me for anything. He is safe with me. That is another thing. Make sure you listen to the little silly things now because to a child, they can be pretty big. If you don't listen to their silly kid problems now, what makes you think they will talk to you about more serious issues later on?

Again, I don't blame my parents anymore as I know they did the best that they could do but we are no longer in the eighties and nineties. I am sure there will be a day where my little one points out any mistakes I made, I am waiting to hear them! I discovered so many resources in my area that are available for not only my kid but for me too! Let's move forward.  If you are a parent with a child with any form of mental illness, don't be ashamed. My depression and anxiety made me a very creative, kind, empathic person. If I were given a choice to have a life free of anxiety and depression, I wouldn't take it. It helped shape the person I am today. I know where to find beauty in the dark.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Digging up the bones

Looking back at my youth, back to when I was a Goth Fledgling, I realized many things. One of them was that I had a very strong knowledge on who I was. Somehow, as I got older, that knowledge became muddled and some of it got lost along the way. It is known that teenagers go through a phase or two in their life time and I went through many. Thanks to wearing many hats and to some harrowing life experiences,by the time I was eighteen, I had a very strong sense of who I was.

For example, when I was about twelve years old, out of the blue, I decided that I was vegetarian but several hours after I declared that I was no longer going to eat meat, one of my sisters tempted me with pepperoni pizza.  I then decided that the veggie life wasn't for me! I was also very into metal and head banged to my favourite songs. I discovered Nirvana and decided I was grunge instead. I  once wrote about these phases in the past and how I came to Goth in my teenage years.

Considering I recently celebrated a birthday and as I am very slowly getting closer to my fortieth birthday (it's still a few years away), I have been looking into my past a lot these past couple of weeks. I realize that as I grow older, the more like my baby bat self I become...except this time, I am much better informed about the subculture than I was back then! It seems as a I get older, the more I am reverting back to my old ways. I look at my personality and certain traits that I once brushed aside because I assumed was being immature are starting to re-surface. For instance, I can be a "bouncy" person. I am jovial. I always wanted people to take me seriously and felt like I needed to tone that down in order to do so. Over the past couple of months, I noticed that I use that perkiness (after all that coffee I drink, who wouldn't bounce off the walls?) to my advantage.I make stupid remarks. I use my sarcasm and wit because I think I am being hilarious and I really do believe that this is well received! I think one of the reasons why I like the show Gilmore Girls so much is because I am a lot like the main character. I realized people don't just call me Abby from the show NCIS because I apparently look like her, it's because I act like her! When I was younger, I was constantly told that this made me arrogant and unpleasant. The first real job I had working in a corporate office, I was told that it made me unprofessional or even seem immature but you know something? Perhaps it is the fact that I worked at the same company for 5 years but I think a lot of my coworkers actually like that attitude. I am not ass, I can be polite, especially when I need to tell someone "no" but I add my own little flair into things.I think this is one of the many reasons why my husband fell in love with me. I am a bundle of energy! I make him smile.

I do not have any fun recent photos so please accept these regurgitated silly ones.

I spent years of my life trying to fit into a tiny box. I allowed a lot of stupid societal pressures get to me. I realized that as I get older, the more subdued I become. I just stopped giving a fuck .Unlike my teenage years where I would tell people off for looking at me funny, I just stopped caring. I realized that some people even today still talk about me behind my back or even imply to my face that they disapprove of my lifestyle. Like their opinion of me or on things they have zero knowledge on, would mean something to me. As if dressing all in black and very occasionally going out is committing a felony. How dare I wear clothing that make me feel confident, attractive and happy in? How dare I find time for myself? I must be a REALLY bad mom. The way I see it, this speaks volumes about them and less about me.  I like that I can be sarcastic and witty. I like the way I dress. I like being Goth. I love having like-minded friends who not only have the same music preferences as I do but also share my love for the macabre. I like that I can talk fast and make funny remarks at the drop of a hat. I like that I can be a bundle of sarcasm. I like being geeky and make silly pop culture references.I am not everyone's proverbial cup of tea. I like that I got that pole out of my ass and just stopped taking myself so damned seriously all the time! Life is too short. As for anyone's opinion about me,  I just learned to not care.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Updates and Pop figures

Hello everyone!

It has been a while, hasn't it? Life has been busy and I was hit by a slight case of writer's block.

My family is doing well. My health has been ok although I had a few migraines in between.

My birthday rolled around on Friday and it seems like I managed to break the curse. Aside from last year, for the longest of times, I was sick on my birthday. I mean REALLY sick with fever and it was usually strep or bronchitis.

Look at the cute Pop figures I got for my birthday!


Obviously, Elvira holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, which I won't waste your time by stating the obvious. She is also dear to me because when I was a teenager, certain acquaintances thought it was humourous to call me Morticia, Vampira or Elvira. When I was younger, I had no clue who these people were (Vampira and Elvira that is, I was VERY familiar with the Addams family back then) until one day, I did some research. What originally was meant as an insult or some form of bullying, turned out to be one of the biggest compliments anyone could ever give me!

10th Doctor with hand in a jar and the war doctor! Still in boxes because that is the only way the Doctor Who collection can fit on my shelf. I have the boxes stacked on top of each other!

It's been a while since I haven't posted any Pops here. Here's what I got over Christmas.

I got Zero!

Mary Poppins and Maleficient
Jay, being the super awesome husband that he is, allowed me to put some of them in front of his D&D books because I need space! To compromise, I put the ones I know he likes. Not seen in the particular post but I have some Star Wars ones (Han Solo, Chewbacca,, Yoda, and the Cantina musician from A New Hope) the Rocky Horror (entire collection) and World Of Warcraft (Lady Sylvanast, Thrall, and a Murloc) I really need help! I want more! As some of you know, I plan on moving this summer. I am not looking forward to packing all this!I kept ALL the original boxes like the big geek that I am!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Vampire's day soirée

Like last year, I signed up to participate in the Vampire's day soirée, hosted by Holly's Horror Land.  This year, I am going to write about a fictional character from Nancy Kilpatrick's latest novel, Revenge Of The Vampir King.

In all honesty, I really do like the novel. I was always a fan of Nancy's work. Yes, she gave me an advance copy of her book in exchange for a review, which I have previously done here. I write about the things that inspire me and what I like.  I really do like her book and it inspired me so I am going to write about it. So there!

I am going to specifically write about one of my favourite characters in the novel. Despite her being a vampir, I relate to her. She is the Vampire Mom called Belladonna.

Belladonna was Sapien and turned by her lover after she gave birth to his child, Moarte (main character of the novel) I don't relate to her because she is a mother.I relate to the strong personality behind the character. I don't want to give too much away and all so I am going to try to be vague about the plot as best as I can so I think a character description would suffice.

The reason Belladona is one of my favourite characters is because she is the voice of reason whenever Moarte has a tendency to let his emotions (especially his anger) get the better of him. Moarte has a tendency to react before he thinks about the situation logically and Belladonna is one of the very few people who can reason with him whenever he is in that state. She is like how Spock is to Kirk (yes, I went there and made a Star Trek reference). On the other hand, I don't get the impression that Belladonna doesn't have any emotions (just like I think Spock has emotions but he represses them in favor of logic) and I do feel that Belladonna is the same way. She can remove herself from a situation, remove her feelings and make a logical choice. As contradictory as it may sound, she does use her feelings, her intuition to help guide her as well.  She is very understanding towards others and is compassionate. While Moarte is king and has a great mind with military maneuvers, Belladonna is the heart and mind behind the throne.I think the reason why he was able to successfully be the king is really because there is a strong advisor there to help guide him.

Nancy Kilpatrick wrote some wonderful characters. All of which you may despise at first but grow to love later. To me, this is what makes a talented writer. Not only can she spin a captivating story, but they are made to feel real, there is life behind characters, even the undead ones!

Lastly, I would like to thank Holly for hosting this wonderful event. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Responding to a blog post and some dorky pictures

I came across a really interesting article over the weekend that is posted on the blog section off of the Belfry Network's page.

Essentially, the author, from what I understand is also a DJ called Aytakk who wrote about his opinions on being Goth and discrimination. This is the article I am referencing:

The article begins by Aytakk making a commentary on how it took him three drafts to write that post - something I can relate to and I smiled at his honesty. He also made a reference to US politics and Black Friday in which I assumed it was because she was refused entry to the Louvre recently due to her style.

Aytakk then comments on how social media can be narcissistic, how we all want to project our own brand of person. I am not going to comment on this...after all, I am the little corp goth girl, right?

Which leads to...

Being Goth in a mainstream world.

Aytakk wrote it best so I am just going to quote him here: "There is good reason why people in the goth subculture have to stress again and again that you don't have to be "on" 24/7. Its not because we can't do it all the time or if we are afraid to. Sometimes its simply a matter of survival or being able to do the things we want to do."

I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. I work as a receptionist. While corporate policy doesn't really have a dress code, there are definitely certain articles of clothing I own that are best kept for at home (*cough cough* club and fetish gear being a shinning example). In fact, considering a lot of my colleagues have come into the office with holes in their jeans or wearing shirts with skulls on them, and I can't, I could technically scream discrimination. I don't and I never will. The way I see it, I am the first point of contact anyone makes when they walk in the building and while my work will often overlook A LOT of the things I do wear, I want to remain moderately "professional" and friendly. Not everyone is open minded and as much as I wish I could be accepted for the wonderful, cute person I am, I know not everyone likes the Goth look and some people make all kinds of stupid assumptions. It sucks but I am happy that I can dress the way I want (within reason) so I am not going to complain.

In addition, I can't be "on" 24/7 because I am also a Mom. I work 40 hours a week to come home, cook, help my kid with his homework, and by the end of the night, I want to watch Star Trek on Netflix! I also have some health issues. There are days, I just wear sweat pants and a t-shirt then call it a day because I feel like shit. I have also changed my lifestyle and exercise often. I am not going to work out in my stompy boots and corsets!

Aytakk describes many places that do have dress codes. He gives many examples from fancy restaurants and how certain night clubs refused entry to those wearing jeans and visible tattoos. That dressing in full goth gear all the time, we should be used to this kind of stigma. If we want to go to certain places that have dress codes, we have to tone it down. I wish things could be different but we don't live in that world. I choose to dress a certain way, I lose my right to bitch about it. I think the author describes this well in his article.  I especially liked the advice he did have to offer:

"But that doesn't mean we have to lie back and take it. The more alternative people are going about looking... well... alternative, the more people get used to seeing it. Given strange looking weirdoes (in a good way) have been around since forever you would think this wouldn't matter nowadays.  Yet it does because NO I AM NOT GOING INTO A POLITICAL RANT ABOUT THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD.
If someone discriminates then call them out on it. Alternatively, keep asking why until they are forced to admit to it with their own words and realize their action was discriminatory. Then you discover if it was an accident, just following the bosses orders or if they really are an arsehole.  Don't be accusatory though. It makes people defensive of their stance and they won't learn anything. Also its good to know what you have to tone down if you want to come back and if their rules are strict so it doesn't happen again."

I can attest. I have done this in the past (not at my job but dealing with people in general) and it works! 

 Aytakk makes a commentary about promoting your own personal brand of Goth online (re:Youtube) and essentially states that some kids watching these videos only see the aesthetics behind Goth, nothing else behind the subculture. They see it as a fashion statement with no substance.

To a certain degree, I am guilty of this with my outfit posts and my recent one about changing my hair color. On the other hand, I have also made a tonne of music references here, I wrote about attending some events and there are tons of photos of me on this blog where I am really toned down. I even have photos of me in workout clothes (I admit, bragging rights because I lost weight and all!)Personally, I want to show everyone, you don't need to be "on" all the time and I am very comfortable being myself, even if it doesn't mean that I am not dressed Goth as fuck!  I have my life to live too!

Here are some examples from old outfit posts where I am toned down. Holy shit, I am such a dork! I would like to point out, being sort of relevant to what Aytakk was writing about, there are ways to promote tolerance towards your lifestyle. For example, by going back through some blog posts searching for my more, toned down outfit posts,  I realized that back then I wanted to do a more "normal" corp goth look. As  the years went by in my current job, that ship has sailed. I definitely look more alternative now! As a result, I should probably change the title to my blog.

In fact, back in my day, when I was a young kid back in the nineties, not very many people wore makeup like some of these online Goth celebrities or Youtubers. While I am by NO MEANS going elitist on their ass, just if we saw that sort of look back then, unfortunately, these young Youtubers wouldn't be taken seriously. I know, at that time, a lot of people would have seriously questioned their goth cred. In fact, when I came back to goth after leaving the scene and saw some of these Youtube personalities, I was a little intrigued. Before anyone comments, this is from my personal experience while experiencing the subculture in the nineties and I do not share this sentiment at all! I was a "Marilyn Manson Spooky kid" - that was the term we used because baby bat and Mall goth wasn't invented yet! I was in no position to judge! I wore Crow makeup for crying out loud and I did it VERY badly. The lines were uneven and I just looked ridiculous! No, I don't have photos. I wish I did so I could laugh at myself but I sadly destroyed that evidence eons ago.

With the way things are in the US and their ultra conservative Government, I can see why some of us are scared but the way I see it, while I can understand the fear, I feel that we have faced this sort of hate before and we have to look out for each other.We will get through this. Obviously, I don't live in the US, I can easily write these things in the safety of my home but I have seen backlash over here. Muslim people were shot in their own place of worship in Quebec city and a Mosque was vandalized in Montreal are but a few examples of what is going on. It seems that with that Orange dude in the White house, racism, misogyny, and intolerance now seem to be acceptable, especially in the US. At least over here, women have rights over their own bodies!  On the other hand, I don't like the whole "its not really happening over here so why should I care?" mentality. I am not going to take any form of such intolerance laying down. I once foolishly stopped being who I was because of some stupid societal pressures, I am not going to let this happen again. Do I need to be "on" all the time? Hell no but there is nothing wrong with being in-between! In my opinion, Goth was derived from the punk movement. My fellow punks didn't take that shit back then so why should I now? 


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