Friday, July 31, 2015

Feel good Friday

About two weeks ago, I cut off over 10 inches of my hair. I donated my hair to an organization called Locks Of Love. The other day, I received an e-mail from this organization thanking me for my donation. They sent me a certificate in PDF form, I cannot seem to upload here unfortunately but I thought it was really nice of them!

Ironically enough, a friend of mine also shared a video clip on his Facebook page earlier this week. The footage is about what happens to your hair after you donate it and it is from a different organization than Locks Of Love. I may just look into this one the next time I plan on donating my hair. Watching this video only confirmed how happy I was when I had my own hair cut and I gave my hair to charity. I will most probably grow it out all over again and make another donation later on. We shall see, I could always change my mind!  It took me about two years to grow it out and a lot can change in that time! Below is the video that was shared.

that was my hair!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

An open letter to my son

 "Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise..." - The Beatles, Blackbird

My dearest Philip,

Last week, your school uniform was delivered to my office. I hate having emotional reactions at work and it took a huge effort on my part not to cry. This is a huge milestone you will be reaching at the end of August. You are no longer my baby. You will be starting elementary school!

It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant and it was not easy for the both of us. There were complications and we both barely survived the whole ordeal.

I wanted so much to be able to nurse you but it just didn't work out. I hated how I was treated in the hospital, how fanatical they were over the stupid breastfeeding issue and I thought I failed as a mother. Little did I know at that time, our bodies were only trying to tell us something....because....

Not long afterwards, you got really sick and I was afraid of losing you again. You had a rare condition called Pyloric Stenosis.  Pyloric Stenosis is when you cannot fully digest your milk and you end up projectile vomiting. Thanks to your dad and I for being "special", we would often find humor in difficult situations. We make wise cracks or jokes during difficult times. We were so worried about you because this condition could potentially be dangerous so we used humor to relieve the tension... we did this by calling you Linda Blair. If you don't know who she is, Google her and go watch the movie "The Exorcist" If they are any remakes out by the time you are reading this, go watch the original. You will probably hate me for it and never look at pea soup the same way again!

You were only about 7 weeks old when you were pried out of my arms and wheeled into surgery in order to correct the issue. Ironically enough, you were released out of the hospital on Halloween - your first one! I will never forget that day. I was so happy because that meant you were able to eat properly and I didn't have to worry about you dehydrating anymore!

I never used that sling again. This photo was taken moments before you projectile vomited down my shirt, on my face, and in my hair. I tried to get you out of the sling to avoid a mess but I was not fast enough. I knew you were going to do it too. You went white like Casper The Friendly Ghost and I tried to avoid being puked on. In the end, I braced myself for the incoming puke-age. Thanks a lot Linda! Don't make your head spin now!

One of your Halloween outfits.

And another one. Worn the day after Halloween since these were left at home. You got that basket of goodies while you were in the hospital. We still have it, somewhere! I think you found it and opened it. You sneaky bugger! This is why we don't have anything nice, ya know!

Despite your rough start, time went by and you blossomed over night. You gained the much needed weight and you were in the 90th percentile, you were way up in the charts for your age! Way to go buddy!Thanks to the Pyloric Stenosis, you were 6 pounds when you were born (you were almost born premature, a week earlier and you would have been) and you went down to 4 pounds in matter of weeks.

You hated "tummy time", you never learned to crawl but you used to scoot on your ass to move around. You talked pretty early on and much to my delight, the first word you ever spoke was "mama". I will never forget it. You woke up from your nap and when I went in your room to take you out of your crib, you looked at me, smiled and said it. I cried so many tears of joy. I never knew anyone could make me this happy. My life felt like there was something missing before you were born. For a long time, I lost myself and you help find me back. On the other hand, there are many times I wondered what life would be like if you didn't learn how to speak, you can be pretty cheeky at times!

When you were about 3 months old, you got a monkey plush as a gift because one of the names I referred to you as when I was pregnant was My Little Monkey. You used to be My Little Gremlin but you moved around so much in my womb that the Monkey name was more suitable. In fact, your entire nursery was decorated in Monkeys. To this day, that plushie (AKA Mr. Monkey) is your favorite. You cannot sleep without it.

Normally, parents are advised to not let children sleep in a swing or car seat but due to your surgery, the doctors recommended this. It took a few weeks for your tummy to settle but at least Puke-Fest 2010 ended moments after your surgery. You don't even have any scars!

You still look like this when you sleep, I bet you are blushing about now!

In a blink of an eye, I was getting ready for your first birthday. I remember crying out of happiness. It meant that we made it but I still didn't put my guard down, I was still afraid of losing you.

This was your birthday cake. It was your first birthday and I went overboard. It's your Mister Monkey in cake form, completely edible! It was also the first time you ever had cake.

The summer before your second birthday, your daycare put on their annual show for the parents. The year prior, you flipped out and ran back in the other room, you were too shy. You got to dance and I cried all over again. I saw that I could finally put my guard down - you were OK. I could concentrate on other things instead of being on alert all the time. I am still a worrisome mother but not as bad or as anal as I used to be so cut me some slack, kid!

Time went by so fast. There are many times I stop and wonder the following things:

Did I tell you I love you enough?

Did I hold you enough?

Did I comfort you enough when you needed it?

Did I spend enough time with you? I often feel guilty about sending you to daycare.

How much longer am I going to have all this before you may not need me as much as you used to?

Maybe one day, I will be gone so you will read my blog because you will hopefully miss me or you will stumble upon this blog post out of sheer boredom! I wonder what kind of man you will be. I am going to do my best that you will become a good one and no matter what, I will be your biggest fan. Always.

As I am typing away on my computer, you are taking a bath. I can see you whenever I turn my head, you are playing with your toys. Don't you dare pour water on the floor! I have eyes in the back of my head - a great mom feature I inherited since having you so don't think for a moment because my back is turned I wont notice! I will and I will use my "Mom voice" at you!

I think you picked up on my mom radar because you just told me "Mom, you're my best mommy ever" in which I replied "You're my best Philip ever", I guess I don't need to worry so much about the other things like not telling you I love you enough, now do I? We both know I will anyways! I am not going to take any chances.

I may have disappointed you and I may have made mistakes but one thing is for sure, I am damned proud of you. I can only do my best and hope you turn out alright. I always like to think that I would give you enough quirks and weirdness to make you funny one day! I think I have succeeded this far, after all, you have said some funny things over the years, in fact let me quote you now and I promise I won't get into how you talk about your penis:

"My fufffin, I share with no one" 2 yrs old
You meant muffins 

"Mommy you are really squishy and you will grow an adipose" - 4 years old

"Daddy, mommy is getting ready, don't bother her. She is putting her boobies on" 3 yrs old

"Mommy, I want to go to aging E-gin" you meant Ancient Egypt - 4 years old

See, it's too late, you're a nutter just like your mom. Look you have your underwear on your head! Your chance is very, very slim for normalcy, see I got proof right here! 
I bet you are either really embarrassed or really not impressed with me now,  kid. That's OK I pissed you off millions of times by now. Look at the adorable picture below, you were about two years old here. You were clearly pissed about something!

So know this: I will always love you no matter what, despite how nutty or quirky I am, hell, even when I am pissed off at you.... especially when you don't listen or want to wait for a flipping second. Kid, you need to wait 5 freaking minutes at times. I waited 9 God damned long months for you, the least you can do is give me 5 minutes! Sheeesh!

See you were pretty ticked off at me here. I didn't get your bottle fast enough and you were hungry. Naturally, I grabbed my phone to take a picture before I prepared your bottle. I am glad I did, what great memories! Look at that shade of red! Wow! I am still impressed!

It is almost time to get you out of your bath and have that usual bed time battle. Seriously, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP (adding a video of this at the end of the post)! Thankfully, it is not quite time to end your bath time fun yet . I have enough time to go wipe the tears out of my eyes so I can read you a story. For the love of bats, please don't pick the same god damned story again! We read that book hundreds of times! You have tons of books. Come on kid! *** For the record you did pick the same bloody story AGAIN. Ironically enough it was that Berenstain Bear book about going to sleep in a timely matter, it doesn't do shit. Over an hour later and you're STILL frigging ass awake. I am not dumb you know, I can hear you playing in your room!***

So I guess I will end this here.I do need to go up there to give you shit for staying up. I guess you won't be watching Scooby Doo tomorrow, sorry buddy. You know the rules. GO TO SLEEP DAMMIT!

Love, your nutty Momster

Taken when you were about 2 almost 3 at "Tim Portance" (You still can't pronounce Tim Hortons, too cute)!
PS.. To my readers who have read this entire post, novel, thank you, I do realize it was a long one so I hope I made you laugh! It took me over 2 months to formulate this post. It was so hard to write it without breaking down. In the end, I just said "fuck it" and decided to use humor, like I always do, to help me through this. So you reading all this and hopefully enjoying it means a lot to me. I look back at those first years and do smile. It was so difficult. I still remember the fear of losing him and I had a miscarriage prior. It was a very emotional time and whenever I do look back, I recall all those emotions I felt during those months. By going through such an emotional roller coaster, it only enforces on how blessed I am to be a mother, I always wanted to have children of my own. I am not perfect, I don't want to be. I just am glad to be his mom and I couldn't have had a more perfect, beautiful, wonderful child (even when he doesn't listen, doesn't want to wait or frigging ass go to sleep when he should!) To other parents reading this post, time goes by fast. I know EVERYONE tells us this and I know it is annoying to hear it again but go give your little rug rats an extra hug today. I blinked and he is starting Kindergarten soon (damn Weeping Angels!)  You may thank me for it.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A thanks and a crate full of nostalgic items.

I just want to begin this post by saying a huge thank you to Geen Greenie for the mention on her blog post Indulging Your Inner Goth - 5 Great Goth Lifestyle Links. 


The nice people over at Mancrates contacted me recently and asked that I do a blog post about them.  They asked me to share my ideas on a nostalgia filled crate items I would like to receive today that were  from the 70's and 80's. How fun and cool is that?  Essentially, I was asked the following: 

" The idea is for you to tell us all about your personal memories in a post on your blog. If it wasn’t Ferris Bueller, what other movies were always in your VCR?  What was the one gift you always wanted for your birthday, but never seem to come your way?  We want to hear what items you would want in a nostalgic crate.  Does a Koosh Ball bring all those memories rushing back?  Or would you include your favorite music cassette tapes and snack foods?  The options are endless so get creative!" 

Another thing that really appealed to me about Mancrates was the fact that you need an actual crowbar to open the crate! In fact, they offer a lot of gift ideas for the men (after browsing their site, they have a lot of ideas I would personally like too!) in your life! 

They have so many cool crate ideas such as The Mysteries Of The East crate!  Those pocky sticks and candy sure caught my attention!

Without further adieu, here is my top ten list of nostalgic items I would love to receive in my crate:

(1) The Hunger on VHS. With Vampires,the opening with Bauhaus and David Bowie, how could anyone go wrong? Also a VHS of The Last Boys. Ahhhh! This is before Vampires sparkled!

(2) Cassettes or even better, records of Siouxsie And The Banshees, The Cure, Bauhaus, The Sisters Of Mercy, Alien Sex Fiend, David Bowie and Joy Division. 

(3) A teddy Ruxpin doll. I had one of these as a kid and I loved it! I am interested to see what would happen if I were to put a Marilyn Manson or Bauhaus tape inside...

(4) An NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) console
Along with the NES, I would love to have The Legend Of Zelda, Super Mario Bros, and Duck Hunt (just because it came with the console back in the day). I still get angry over that stupid dog that laughs at you whenever you miss a shot.

(5) Speaking of Consoles, I would love to have an old Coleco vision and an Atari so I could play Pong, Pacman, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, and The Smurfs game all over again. I have a fond memory of the Smurf game. At the end of the game, the Smurf rescues Smurfette who is being held hostage in Gargamel's castle. I had some family members thought it would be funny to pick on me by making the Smurf kick Smurfette instead of kissing her at the end of the game. I would get so pissed off too because the Smurf would make Smurfette fall over!

(6) If they had at that time, entrance tickets or the stamp they give when you enter a club for the Batcave. If impossible, an old flyer would be cool.

(7) An original (preferanly signed copy) of the vinyl, The Batcave, young limbs and numb hymns.

(8) Back issues of Propaganda magazine.

(9) VHS filled with all the episodes of Forever Knight. 

(10) An original Optimus Prime from back in the day (probably too expensive and rare) but cool nonetheless


Saturday, July 25, 2015

Some parenting goals - I don't want to be that mother in law!

This isn't really goth related but I came across something on Facebook and it got me fuming. It got me thinking about what kind of Monster-In-Law I envision myself to be one day, if that should ever happen. 

I know I will never be that stereotypical mother in law. I want my son to be independent. He is NOT an extension of myself and I really do want him to have a life of his own one day. All I ask for is the occasional visit and phone call.I will surely miss him once he ventures out on his own and will probably become a crazy cat lady again but that's ok.

Due to some of my past experiences, some people do not see things the way I do. Some people think their adult children have responsibilities to them and their children actually owe them for all the shit they have done for them as a child! Some parents think they can control their adult kids lives. I may not like everyone he decides to go out with later on, or his career choice and I might hate his future spouse with a passion but I am not going to interfere.I will not call 100 times a day and I will most certainly keep my negative comments to myself. It is his life. If he is happy then so am I.

Seeing pictures like this on Facebook, although they are intent on being funny,  not only causes me to take a look at myself but it pisses me off. It only perpetuates the stereotypical relationship between a mother in law and daughter in law:

Today, I vow to NOT be that parent. I vow to raise Philip to not only treat people right but to have enough self confidence/respect enough to walk away when he feels like he is being taken advantage of. To my future daughter or son in law: I promise to not be your worse nightmare and hopefully you can feel comfortable enough to come visit me or see me if you need anything. Most importantly, if he chooses you to spend the rest of HIS life with, I know deep down, he has made a right choice so I plan to butt out!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What coming back to goth has taught me

This post isn't just what coming back to goth has taught me but more of a lesson on life that a lot of people, not only goths have gone through. It seems to me that a lot of people I have conversed with this past month have gone through similar situations.  I am posting from my own personal experiences which happens to coincide with coming back to my True Self. You can look at this as a life lesson from a goth's persective but the overall message behind this post can be the same: surround yourself with love and positive people. This is something ALL of us can relate to.

 I learned the hard way that sometimes it is better to be selective with whom you spend time with. I strongly believe that the greatest gift you can give anyone is your time because that is something you cannot take back.

I used to be naive and that got me in trouble so many times. Not everyone respects you. It has happened that some - not all people have used that naivete to their advantage.

Since coming back to goth, I have noticed over the years that I lost many friends and estranged myself from certain family members. Some couldn't accept that I was different, some I came to realize that we had nothing in common with each other anymore and some I realized did nothing but bring me down. When I went "normal" and was very unhappy, I attracted a lot of like-minded people. When I started to go goth again and become happier, even more self-confident, those very people did everything to drag me back down. It was either the personal insults, the backstabbing or their constant negativity that would drain me of all my energy. They never had anything positive to say. Don't get me wrong, even today, I am not always the most positive happy, perky  person either. I can be pretty darned negative too. There is a difference: When someone has nothing but complaints and can find nothing positive about life, I re-evaluate that friendship. I tried helping so many people, believe me. Some people just don't want to be saved. Some people are happy being miserable and to be honest, I learned that before I can truly help anyone, they need to want to help themselves first.You and only you are in charge of your happiness. Another imporant lesson I learned when I came back to my true self.

I had an epiphany this month. I guess you can say it was a reminder on how much of a complainer I used to be and how negative I once was. I was reminded of how much I have evolved over the years and how much of a better person I have become since I am back to being goth again! Without getting into specifics, the epiphany happened when I came in contact with a new person in my life.

The fact that I am kind and have what they call a "resting friendly face" (ie I look happy and approachable all the time which isn't always the case) often makes me a target to these sorts. Within an hour of meeting this certain woman, she was telling me all her personal problems and misery. I felt sorry for her..... at first. Not only did she go on and on about her personal problems, which can be draining enough as it is, she started demanding, not asking, I would do things for her. After all, why wouldn't I? She has had such a hard life, I should feel sorry for her.

The thing is, I really did feel sorry for her but catering to her whim and knowing full well that her demands will never end, I knew she would never be satisfied with anything. It will NEVER be enough!  I have fallen victim to this trap before. I heard the excuses too "I don't have many friends, I trust you, I don't trust a lot of people, You are such a good friend, etc" I saw where this was going.

This is my "you got to be kidding" face when I am in these situations.
 In all honesty, I have no problems being that shoulder to cry on, in fact I really want to! I have always been the strong one. I love helping people and making a difference. I also would prefer to not have my kindness used as a weakness. I also learned the hard way that even the strongest of people can fall and when we do fall, it is not pretty.  I cannot devote my time to people who do nothing but make demands/expect things from others and never show any appreciation. I much rather volunteer in an animal shelter or clean up parks or help spread awareness on environmental issues or help those who really need and want my help.

 I am now the mean person for saying "no thank you". I am now the mean person for not catering to her every whim and for not giving a reason why. I guess saying "because I can't" isn't a good enough reason for her. That is another lesson I learned in life: You don't owe anyone an explanation. I know it sounds funny because I am explaining all that right here on this blog!

By coming back to my true self, I got the self confidence needed to set boundaries, to tell people "no" and to tell people to "eff off" when needed! People thinking that being goth is a bad thing got it all wrong. Coming back to my true self, by doing things I enjoy doing and by wearing clothing that makes ME  and ONLY ME happy is doing so much good on so many levels. Life is too short to be surrounded by toxic people or for wearing boring clothes! I am happy to say that I have so many wonderful friends and even family members (those I have not estranged myself from) that I would go out of my way for. The nice thing is, I know they got my back when I need it too. Today, my life is full of giving and receiving compliments! My life is full of giving people advice and people helping me out when I need it. Thanks to being a migraine sufferer, I learned that it is ok to ask for help. It is ok to have people take care of me for once as long as I make sure that I do the same for them when they need it. I don't always have to be the strong one! Having a strong support system enables me to be there for people who really need it! I gained confidence enough to be the goth at the office and not feel like I need to kowtow to anyone either to fit in or to be nice.  I also learned that I can not only be goth but I can still be the nice one and sweetheart to people too, I don't need to be a raging bitch in fear of being stepped on. I can still be nice and sweet while insisting on having personal boundaries, of course, the other party may not see it that way!

You cannot fully love anyone until you love yourself first.

Goth or not, it is ok to say "no" and you know something? The more you do it, the more self-confident you become!

Monday, July 20, 2015

The dreaded Pop Figurines - Part II

For those of you who have not read the first part of the Pop Figurine series and want to read about how my obsession started, you can do so by clicking here! 

My lovely niece messaged me the other day saying she saw Doctor Who Pop figurines and bought me a couple. My collection is almost complete. I am only missing the Tardis, Cyberman,The Weeping Angel, and the Dalek.

My preciousssss!


My favourite one!

Look! I grew an adipose!

12 fits in my Tardis lamp! How cool is that?

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Goodbye hair!

Over two years ago, I had waist length hair and I got it cut really short. The stylist at that time did not listen to what I wanted and totally screwed up my haircut. I went to a very fancy salon and paid a lot of money on a haircut I didn't like and she was rude too when I told her she didn't do what I wanted. I let my hair grow out and I vowed to never let another stylist touch it again. The only good thing that came out of that haircut was the donation of hair I made afterwards to Locks Of Love.  I did change my mind later on when I decided I wanted Bettie Page bangs a couple of years ago. I guess the clue to run, not walk out of the salon was when the stylist had no idea who Bettie Page was. I thought I was smart for bringing photos of the bangs I wanted but I ended up looking like this....

Stylists seem to think they know the haircut I want, which is usually some layered crap that I hate. They insist that I would love their creations more that they end up doing what they want (which is something that the mainstream wants) and I leave unhappy. If I try to get them to fix it, I risk having it cut too short or the stylist screws it up even more.  This is why I ended up watching youtube videos on how to cut bangs and started doing it myself after that. I gave up.

Lately, my hair has always felt like a mess. I was never satisfied with it and for several months, I have been suffering from lots of neck pain. While there is no concrete medical proof that cutting hair could provide some relief, I decided it was time for a change. I am hoping this will help with the pain and migraines (neck pain triggers migraines). Perhaps it is a little psychosomatic here but I am feeling a major difference already in my back, I feel the muscles losing their tension! I do also feel a hell of a lot lighter now than I did before!My hair must have weighed an extra 3 pounds!

It took me about two weeks to decide on the haircut. I am an all or nothing type of girl and if I am going to chop it off after all these years, it will be something drastic. In the end,  I decided to chop it off but I am going to go back to an old hair stylist I used to see several years ago. The only reason why I stopped going to this stylist was she can take a long time, which is no fault of her own. She runs a small salon and works it by herself. She has a lot of clientele. Even if I book an appointment, which I did, I knew I might have to wait an hour to get in. Which is exactly what happened! I planned a head of time and had my Dragonlance novel with me!  In the past, with a young child, I wanted to be home more often and didn't have time for a two to three hour simple hair appointment but now that my son is older , I am enjoying that time to myself! It also amused me the look of shock on her face when I walked in. The last time she saw me, I was not really looking like this!

I did not regret my decision to go back to her: 

WTF have I done?

Another donation!
 What I am loving about this cut is it's versatility. I have naturally wavy hair, I can style it that way! I can easily straighten it and give myself a Cleopatra look! It is going to be so much fun playing around with it and doing all sorts of funky experiments now I don't have to worry about damage like I did when it was long!I plan on keeping it short or at least shoulder length. The nice thing is, styling it takes a few minutes.

If you have really long hair and want to donate it, you can do so too! Locks of Love accepts dyed hair while the Pantene Beautiful lengths do not. I think this is going to a great cause!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Bat Fit - Thoughts on body image
I have not forgotten my Batfit goals! I am losing weight. I am eating better. I am getting less migraines. Since embarking on this journey, I have had a lot of time to soul search and reflect on myself. Whenever I take time for me, which is usually when I workout, it gives me time to put things into perspective. One of those very issues I thought about was my pre-pregnancy body.

Before getting pregnant and gaining well over 50 pounds, I was very thin. Despite some bad habits such as cigarette smoking and partying a little too much, I used to eat very healthy. Most people live to eat. I am one of those people who eat to live. My diet consisted of fresh veggies, fruits, a lot of tea, meat and good portions.

I also look back at what I did to be so thin before having my son (even to back to the time I was single and living on my own) and realised several things:
A photo of me years before I had my son.

(1) I had no car and had to count on public transport. I was less stressed. I had to walk everywhere. In fact, I would sometimes walk an hour an day to avoid taking the bus!

(2) I didn't eat at restaurants very often and ordering in food was a rare treat, this is probably because I didn't have much disposable income at that time!

(3) I didn't have a Smartphone or any portable devices back then with the exception of a Discman then an MP3 player later on. I read a lot of novels, was less stressed and wasn't "tuned in" 24/7.

I have been applying some of these changes to my life (minus the no car thing, I just walk more) and it is working! I have also been less stressed over checking my weight everyday. There is no point, really. I still have no clue on exactly how much I weight but I have been noticing some subtle changes. I am not so hard on myself either. I gave up on hitting a target weight by a set date and just decided to eat right, exercise and just be happy.Why stress out over numbers?

I have been "tuning-out" more often. I realized a lot of these social media sites are really a lot of pointless drama that I am just tired of dealing with. I started reading one of my favourite fantasy series again and it is like re-visiting some old friends. For those curious, I have picked the Dragonlance Chronicles series!

I was brought up with the notion that you eat until you are full. My mom never forced me to finish my plate at the dinner table. If I did not eat enough of my plate, I was not permitted to have dessert and if I came back an hour later because I was hungry, she gave me my leftovers! We took our time to enjoy your meal and did not devour it all quickly. I have gone back to those eating habits: fresh veggies, home cooked meals, happy family dinner times that involve lots of inappropriate conversations at the dinner table but you know something? We laugh and we take our time to eat. We enjoy the food I prepare (I love to cook).

We still have junk food but we have limited ourselves. We are all feeling much better because of it!

Have you made any lifestyle changes recently?

Taken recently. It was before leaving for work on a Monday morning no less! This explains the lack of smile and the sun was in my face! I guess you can say it's the just the "take the damned picture" expression!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Perky goth

The other day, I posted about my Hello Kitty obsession. Today, I am going to post about the bane of a lot of goth people's existence: The Perky Goth! I figured the Hello Kitty and the perky goth topic sort of go hand in hand and if you haven't figured it out yet, I fit into the perky goth category.

I admit it, I am a perky goth. I am not all doom and gloom all the time. I have an upbeat personality. I don't take things too seriously and I don't understand how people could get so butt hurt over trivial things. I can be hyper and sometimes loud when I am comfortable enough around people. If I am in a group and don't know anyone, I can be quiet and in my corner. Once I get over that initial social anxiety and have a few drinks in my system, watch out! I am usually the one at the party who is bouncing around the room making jokes with everyone, even to those sitting in the corner, sulking!

If this makes me ungoth, then fine. If this makes me annoying, that's fine too. In fact if someone is going to judge me because I am full of life or because I am not sullen enough to their liking, then by all means, go right ahead. I have no interest becoming friends with someone like that.

I found this on deviant art. I do not know who this artist is but please contact me and I will be more than happy to credit your work.

Life is too short and since coming back to goth, I realised this even more and I am happy now. Happy that I can be me and liberated that I gave up on being someone I really wasn't, in fact I didn't like that old boring "normal" Sylvie very much or respected her either. Being myself, in full goth splendor makes me happy. It puts an extra spring in my step. By embracing the macabre, I also learned to embrace life. You only have one life, make the best of it and most importantly, live it for you. After all, isn't part of being goth also being a non-conformist? Being goth is the most liberating thing I have ever done and I refuse to be someone that caters to someone else's image whether it is to be normal or mopey.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Geeky Tee Friday

Hello sweetie, this morning, as I sat down to drink my first coffee of the day and began my daily blog reading, I came across The lovely Lynoire's post over at Space Unicorn. I love this girl's blog; Not only because she is a fellow geek but she takes such beautiful photos. I have always been very envious of her talent. Lynoire posted a lovely photo of herself wearing a Catwoman AND Nightwind t-shirt in honor of geeky t-friday.

I obviously had to piggyback on this! Dear readers, here I am in my Hello Kitty/Doctor Who cross over tee! For those of you who know me, know I love Hello Kitty and Doctor Who, especially Riversong (for those of you who do not watch new Who or have not watched all the episodes, I won't tell you who she is....Spoilers!) . This shirt is the perfect Sylvie shirt as it shows my love of two fandoms and Riversong is one of my many favourite characters from Doctor Who.

Happy Friday everyone.

If you would like to get in on the fun too, it's easy!

  • Step 1: Don a suitably geek-tastic tee.
  • Step 2: Take a Selfie.
  • Step 3: Upload it to Twitter or Instagram with the Hashtag #GeekyTeeFriday.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Charlotte Sometimes

I have posted many times about how I went "normal". I don't think I ever was really normal to begin with but I just didn't associate myself as goth anymore for many ridiculous reasons.

The funny thing is, I was still "goth". I still dressed like everyone else but there were many days, I pulled out my old goth clothes and wore them. I listened to the music ALL THE TIME. Whenever I wore what I thought was normal, mainstream clothing, the peanut gallery had fun pointing out all the goth undertones. I would then proceed to bitch about how I wasn't goth anymore and would get really sad over that thought.

I have debated many times since I began blogging last year whether or not I should post about this personal subject so openly over the Internet but I want to. I feel like I need to.

Some people have asked me in the past what made me come back to goth. I have numerous reasons why but I always omitted one major reason and today, I want to share that reason.

Back in July 2009 I believed I was 12 weeks pregnant. Here in Canada, the earliest pregnancy scan is at 12 weeks. There is no ultrasound but just a doctor's visit where the doctor does a checkup and uses a device called a Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was super excited for that appointment! Unfortunately,  my doctor was not able to hear a heartbeat.

Trying not to flip out, I was sent for an ultrasound. This is where I got the bad news: My baby died at 6 weeks! I had what they called a missed miscarriage. It is where my body failed to reject the fetus and I pretty much carried a dead baby around for an extra 6 weeks!

Afterwards, there were complications. I chose to miscarry at home vs surgery. The method I chose failed. I thought I had completely miscarried but I started hemorrhaging a week later and had to be rushed to the hospital via ambulance. The ride to the hospital was pretty neat since they even had the sirens and lights on! I was then forced into having the surgery I originally refused.

Afterwards, I went into a huge depression. At one point, I even contemplated suicide. The reason for my depression was not only because I really wanted that baby but it was how I was treated by other people, mainly "family members". I have since estranged myself from these people but they did nothing to bring me down, to gossip about it and even blame me over what happened. The people I was able to talk to, gave me a bunch of mixed reactions. Some had no frigging clue on how to react. Some went through something similar but they did not want to talk about it because it was too painful for them. The majority of the people I knew refused to discuss death. It was taboo. It is something we do not talk about. Some made cold hearted comments about me not being very far along anyway and there was no real baby there. In my opinion, that baby was very real to me. Just like the pregnancy with my son, I KNEW very early on that it was a girl and I was going to name her Charlotte after my favourite song "Charlotte Sometimes"  from one of my all time favourite bands! As a mother, I wanted to save Charlotte and would have even traded my life in exchange but I was not able to do so.

Not being able to mourn properly combined with the fact that I really didn't understand why people did not like discussing death was very difficult for me to comprehend. What is so taboo about it? Why don't people talk about it? Am I really that morbid or weird as they claim? To, me these things are normal!  This seriously made me take a long hard look at my life and who I was as a person. In a way, I wanted to save that baby but it was really the other way around. She had saved me.

In the end, not long after my son was born, I stopped trying to fit into a mainstream world that I knew I didn't belong in to begin with. So what, I find beauty in the macabre. Big deal! It is who I am, part of my personality. I have been that way since I was very little.

If anyone stumbles upon this blog doing a search on pregnancy or infant loss, perhaps these few words can help you: Talk about it. If someone doesn't understand or listen, talk to someone else you trust. Grieve. Many people have opened up to me and told me their stories because they felt comfortable since I was open about mine. While listening to these stories,  I realized one thing the majority of us had in common despite the background or story was self blame. We felt like we did something to cause it. Please know this: That is not true! It wasn't something you did or didn't do. It wasn't your fault.

It has been six years since this has happened to me. I still remember it like it was only yesterday.  July is a bitter sweet month for me. I lost so much but gained a lot more. I am a better and happier person because of it. 

Monday, July 6, 2015

Of being danger prone Sylvie and a garden update

Everytime I plan on doing a post about my garden, I always try to find a funny/cute story to share. I don't know how many people are interested in garden photos so I figured if I wrote a silly story to add to the pictures, I make people laugh too instead of just boring them!

I made some additions to my garden. I blame this on a family member who gave me two new cucumber plants that I just had to plant right away! I caught the gardening bug and I hit the stores buying more flowers. The more colorful ones are my son, Philip's. I let him choose some flowers. I know he picked seeds too and it maybe a little late in the season but I am all for satisfying his curiosity, especially when it comes to nature! We had fun planting them together. So far, this gardening stuff is a lot of fun and I do plan on doing it again next year! Not bad for a city girl!

Getting creative here. I realized why should I limit one type of flower per container? I hate my balcony though. Look at the rust. I hope the ladlady fixes it :(

I have no clue what I planted here. Still no flowers. The one on the right had some flowers, I think it is about to die.

Herb garden on the back balcony. It is so much nicer than the front

Don't be a n00b like me. Write down what you are planting from seed. I think they maybe little pumpkin sprouts. They grew over night.

I need to pull out the weeds.

Tomatoes amongst the weeds. The plants were so small when I got them.

Some cucumbers, pepper and celery plants amongst the weeds. I need to get rid of this.

Now for the Danger Prone Sylvie part. I am a natural klutz. I can trip over my own two feet while standing still! In fact, there was even a time I considered changing the name to this blog to Danger Prone Sylvie but I realized so many people already know me as the Little Corp Goth Girl so I decided against it. Who knows, maybe one day I will win the lottery or become a successfully published author and won't be a corp goth anymore?

Back to my story, it all started last night. I was about to turn on the water hose to water my plants. I lost my footing. As I was stumbling to regain my bearings and not realizing the nozzle was pointed towards me, I sprayed myself right in the face! It took a few moments to fully come to terms over what happened but then I laughed really hard until I was practically crying. You can laugh too dear readers, I know I certainly did!


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