Saturday, May 20, 2017

Mourning the loss of a pet and new beginnings

“He held her and rocked her, believing, rightly or wrongly, that Ellie wept for the very intractability of death, its imperviousness to argument or to a little girl’s tears; that she wept over its cruel unpredictability; and that she wept because of the human being’s wonderful, deadly ability to translate symbols into conclusions that were either fine and noble or blackly terrifying. If all those animals had died and been buried, then Church could die
(any time!)
and be buried; and if that could happen to Church, it could happen to her mother, her father, her baby brother. To herself. Death was a vague idea; the Pet Sematary was real. In the texture of those rude markers were truths which even a child’s hands could feel.”
― Stephen King,
Pet Sematary

Being a goth blog, I think it is quite appropriate to write about death without worrying about my readers becoming squeamish over the subject! As most of you have read on this blog, last December, my beloved cat Pippin passed away. It was a week before Christmas and it broke our hearts. Obviously, my six year old took it very hard. It was hard to tell Philip the bad news the next morning (he passed away at night), especially since I was up most of the night myself in tears. I still remember how he cried on my shoulder and how much it hurt me that I had to be the one to break his heart. I had to be stoic but inside, I was screaming. I knew he needed me to be strong because this is the first time where Philip was old enough to comprehend the concept of death. When he was a toddler, our other cats passed away. It was sad and tragic but he didn't quite understand. This time, he did but he wanted me to bring Pippin back and I had to explain, that I cannot do such a thing. It was hard to watch him understand the finality of it all and all I can do is help him through it as best I could while I too was in shock and disbelief.

In true Pippin fashion, he passed away a week before Christmas. Imagine how devastating it would be for us if he passed on during Christmas? Again, in true Pippin fashion, he waited for me to leave to go to my office party. He knew that watching him die would be too much for me to bear. He passed on quietly on my chair.

I remember allowing my son watch me grieve. I thought it was important for him to see me cry and to allow him to comfort me. I think Pippin would have wanted me to use his death as a teaching tool so I did. I took it as an opportunity to let Philip do the comforting and I thought since I am his mother and always the strong one, it was important for him to see me vulnerable. That he wasn't the only one affected by the cat being gone. It was nice being comforted but I bet it made him feel good to be able to make me feel better. I wanted to also teach him that it was NORMAL to be in mourning because in today's world, the concept of sadness, loss, and grief is often swept under the rug. It is not a dirty secret! Mourning is healthy. In a way, mourning our cat brought us closer together because I remember how we would often wipe away our own tears in order to console the other.

I remember being contacted by the school for his behavior. He started acting up in class. It was hard to tell a grieving child that while he is hurting inside over a loss of a pet is OK, it is not acceptable to do certain things.

I would often listen to his Pippin stories and smile at them. That cat was with me for a long time. Philip knew him all his life and I realized that he wasn't only important to me, he was to everyone else in my family. It made me happy  to realize that he didn't just touch my life in a positive way but he touched others as well. In fact, many family members and friends shared their favourite Pippin stories with me!


I encouraged Philip to talk about this at school. He came home and told me that his best friend was able to offer him some comfort. Apparently, his best friend's bird died and he understood how Philip felt. That was important to me because he was learning to reach out to his peers. I knew that his friends are important to him and it was reassuring that he was getting comfort from his best friend.

The winter came and went. By spring, the pain subsided and I was able to share some of my Pippin stories with Philip without completely breaking down. I told him what the cat was like as a kitten (this was before Philip was even thought of) and showed him some old photos. It was the first time we were able to talk about the cat without choking up. Philip admitted that he was still sad over Pippin dying and I took it as a great teaching tool as a way to show him what death really is. I told him that the cat was still alive in our memories. We can look back at all the good times we had with him and smile. It is OK to be sad sometimes and miss him but knowing what the type of friend Pippin was, he wouldn't want us to be sad about him all the time. He would want us to remember him and be grateful for all the good times he gave us. He would want us to be happy because all his life, he did everything to make us feel that way.  It doesn't mean that someone, (pets included) is gone that they are truly gone. You cannot erase that person completely, especially when they meant so much to you. They can still be alive in our memories.

Many people don't get grief. They don't get that when someone important to you dies, you can't just pick up the pieces and get on with your life. You hold onto something they gave you. I don't want to live in a world where we pretend to be happy all the time because they world isn't like that. Nothing is black and white. I think it is important to talk about death, to talk about the happy memories because that is where the healing begins. I think it is healthy to remember people (and pets!) that helped shaped our lives. I think it is healthy to cry and miss that person but most importantly, it is important that to remember the good times and not just the act of dying. The Death Tarot card symbolizes re-birth. All good things must come to an end but with everything ending, there are new beginnings. Seeing that Philip accepted that the cat would want us to be happy and no longer feels ashamed with sharing memories of him, I felt like it was appropriate to have a new beginning in our family. We adopted our dog, Storm. No, she will never take Pippin's place but she is around to give us new memories while we honor Pippin's. She has brought so much happiness in this short time. It is OK to look back but it is also important to look at the days ahead. Pippin would have wanted it that way.



“May be she’ll learn something about what death really is, which is where the pain stops and the good memories begin. Not the end of life but the end of pain.”
― Stephen King,
Pet Sematary

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Rumours of a Forever Knight movie

Growing up in the nineties, I would sometimes watch  a Canadian TV show called Forever Knight. The premise of the TV show was about an 800 year old vampire who was trying to redeem himself by working the night shift in Toronto, Ontario as a homicide detective.


I was pleasantly surprised to hear rumblings of a movie based off of this TV show!


Cos-player, Zack Taylor is rumoured to star as the main character, Nick Knight.


Source:https://www.horrorsociety.com/2017/05/10/first-image-zac-taylor-nick-knight/




It is nice to see the return of REAL vampires in pop culture and the sparkly variety are being forgotten.


And for those curious, here is the Youtube opening for the TV show and yes, I have also seen full episodes available to watch!





Thursday, May 4, 2017

A storm and a burnt marshmallow

Sometime ago, the husband and I made a very personal decision to not have any more children. I was OK with that because I have my hands full with Philip but part of me was also saddened by it. I felt like I missed out a lot because I didn't have a natural birth and I was unable to breastfeed. Another reason for this difficult choice was the fact that it was a miracle that my son as well as myself survived child birth and I don't want to risk putting my health, as well as any future child's health in jeopardy. It was a heart wrenching decision to make but today, I am content with having one child.

Last December, my cat Pippin died. He was my best friend and it hit me hard. Even today, I don't want another cat because I feel that it will only take Pippin's place. I am just not ready.

I wanted a dog for a very long time and even made adopting one part of my personal goals this year. I did this because I felt like it was time. My son is old enough where he wouldn't mishandle a fragile puppy. I want to take care of something and while I may not have a human baby to take care of, I can at least take care of the furry kind instead. This will be my new "baby"

The week before I decided to adopt, I was a bundle of nerves. What if the dog isn't trained? Do I crate train? What if the dog doesn't like the crate and I bought one for nothing? What do I need to buy? I wanted to get everything settled before I brought the dog home. I read a lot about puppy training and got so excited.


So without further adieu...meet Storm!



**Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts this year! I think I should have named her Dobby, of well too late! **




*We named her Storm due to her grey and white colour . She is a purebred Chihuahua. and a very sweet, smart Pup*


She is only 2 months old and it is a new adventure for us. Especially for my husband. You see, I call Jay a Stick In The Mud. The perfect way to describe him is to compare him to a burnt marshmallow. In fact, this is one of the many reasons why I fell for him. He can have a rough exterior but deep down inside, he is all gooey and a big mush. Jay is NOT a dog person. In fact, when I first met him in high school, I had a German shepherd/husky mix. We disliked each other and whenever I would run into him while walking my dog (our folks live in walking distance from each other) I would purposely go near him, just to watch him squirm and cross the street!  Obviously, a smaller breed is preferable for us.

Jay made it adamantly clear that if we were to get a dog, it would be mine and Philip's. He would make sure it had food and water but he wouldn't feel any affection for it because he hates dogs. I smiled and knew deep down, there was a very strong possibility that he would change his mind.

I thought it would take several days, maybe weeks before Jay got attached. It took only 2 hours. You see, we kept Storm downstairs as it is safer for her and it gives the cat, Merry time to adjust since she can stay upstairs. The first night for a new puppy who has recently been taken away from her parents and siblings can be very daunting. She cried and whined. Jay was the one who went down there, after exclaiming that he couldn't believe that he got attached to MY fucking dog no less! He slept on the couch with the dog curled up on his chest.

Life is good and I am looking forward to training her. The three of us are super happy. The cat on the other hand, is unsure but she is used to other animals. We will give her time and plenty of affection too. She too will come around. One burnt marshmallow at a time!

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